Baby, It's Windy Outside

The Dallas area is on its second day of a Red Flag Warning due to high winds. Yesterday, the sustained winds were in the 40 mph range with gusts up to 60 mph. I work in a high rise office building on the 19th floor and you could hear the building creaking and once I swear I actually felt the building sway. I've found that it is best in those situations to remind yourself that is a good thing that the building moves with the wind; if it didn't, it could fall down due to the stresses.

When I was going on the second or third hour of hearing the creaking and groaning, I found what helped most was pretending that those sounds were actually occurring because I was on a wooden sailboat in the Caribbean--drinking a fruity rum drink, listening to some party music and getting a tan. (I never said I wasn't weird!)

No need as of yet to picture the blue water and puffy white clouds of the sea, but the day is still young. Wherever you are, try to stay warm, dry and out of the wind.

Welcome to Our Neighbors to the North

I don't know how many of you have noticed, but I have Sitemeter enabled at the bottom of the sidebar. It lets me see how many people have "hit" the blog each day. It doesn't give me specific information on who they are, but does give the ISP (Internet Service Provider) and city of each reader. Yesterday, I had my first extra-US visitor. Someone from Ontario, Canada Googled Inertia Girl and ended up on my blog. Since they didn't stay more than a second, I'm guessing that I wasn't the Inertia Girl they were looking for. But I'm not going to let that keep me from saying that I have a Canadian audience. Big time, here I come!

Brrrrrrr!

Greetings, blog readers! This message is coming to you from Cleveland, Ohio.

I walked the three blocks from my hotel to the office this morning and the thermometer on the Huntington Building said a whopping 13 degrees. I almost took a picture of it with my cell phone, but figured that I might look more than a little insane (or have someone turn me in as a possible terrorist). I did take a couple of pictures from my hotel room window last night and if I can figure out how to get them from my phone to the blog, I'll post them for everyone to enjoy.

Things I could see from my hotel room:

• The Cleveland Public Library (be still my heart!)
• Cleveland Browns Stadium
• Lake Erie

One of my co-workers who was also staying there was jealous, since her view only included the back of the building next door. Lucky me.

I really like the "oldness" of the buildings downtown here. It's so much less sterile than the glass and metal buildings of downtown Dallas. TLS said that if I wanted to move here, I was on my own, so I guess that isn't in the cards!

The State Nut

Listening to the radio this morning coming in to work, the DJs were talking about this being National Pie Day and commenting that Texas does not have a state dessert. They were also soliciting for suggestions. Here is a transcript of our conversation:

Me: (to the radio) Pecan pie, since the pecan is the state nut.
TLS: (Looks at me funny)
Me: It is! Google it.
TLS: I was going to say that YOU were the state nut.

Well, in the interest of providing accurate information, it turns out that Texas does not have a state nut, but that the pecan is the state tree. So it turns out that I could still be the official state nut. I wonder how I go about suggesting that.

P.S. Interesting fact (if you're me, apparently), I learned that Texas has its own tartan, the Texas Bluebonnet Tartan.

What Infertile People Want You to Know: A Primer

Well, I guess it might be a little presumptuous to speak for all infertile people everywhere, so the statements that follow are simply my opinion. (And you know what they say about opinions and a**holes? Everyone's got one.)

1. It is always permissible (and expected) when meeting someone for the first time to ask whether or not they have children. It is one of the questions that we all know is coming so the forward thinking among us have prepared a stock answer. I choose to go with a little soothing humor to balance the sting of the negative.

New Co-worker/Acquaintance/Person Off the Street: So do you have any kids?
Me: No, just the furry four-legged kind.

2. Please do not then ask about future plans to have children. This puts the askee in a weird situation. She is forced to, either, lie:

New C/A/POTS: So are you ever planning on having any?
Infertile Myrtle: (With a nonchalant wave of her hand) Oh, sure, one of these days. (As if it was as easy as picking up a ham at the store, which I suppose, for some people, it is.)

Or use brutal honesty:

New C/A/POTS: So are you ever planning on having any?
Infertile Myrtle: No, since it seems that my ovaries have shriveled into hunks of useless tissue. I know this because I've spent tens of thousands of dollars in medical intervention and medication and have been stuck more times than a pincushion. But, really, thanks for reminding me that I can't accomplish what a sixteen year old in the back of her boyfriend's Chevy seems unable to avoid.

Or play a little verbal game I like to call "Truth-telling without Full-Disclosure"

New C/A/POTS: So are you ever planning on having any?
Infertile Myrtle: No. We tried for many years without success.

This strategy (along with the Full-Disclosure, also known as Verbal Diarrhea) often leads to point number three.

3. Please do not then ask if she and her partner have considered adoption. The answer to that question is always yes. Unless you've been hanging out on the planet Voltron, you know that adoption is an option available to you.

When someone asks that of me, I immediately feel defensive; because, while we made a reasoned consideration of adoption, ultimately we decided it wasn't the right choice for us. And I feel like I have to provide (and more importantly, defend) all the reasons why it wasn't our decision. In my experience, people will try and talk you into adoption--almost as if they are getting some kind of commission off the deal. I don't mean to imply that I think of adoption in anything other than a positive light. It is a wonderful institution and the people that go through it are some of the most unselfish people on the planet. It just isn't in the cards for us. Someday I may write an entry about what led us to our decision, but until then know that, yes, we have considered it and moved on. I guess I should feel honored that others think well enough of us that they feel we need to have a child no matter what. But mostly when people ask the adoption question, my eye just starts to twitch.

4. Let the infertile person guide your conversation. If you get a monosyllabic answer to a question you've asked, it might be time to find another topic of conversation. I'm probably in the minority of people when it comes to sharing personal things. (Exhibit A: this blog) I'll tell people most anything they want to know about the process of fertility treatment along with my thoughts and feelings, but most people are much more circumspect.

5. If the person you're talking to asks for doctor recommendations or your knowledge of adoption, by all means, give them everything you know. But if they don't ask for advice or help, my suggestion to you is not to bring out the story of your brother-in-law's cousin's plumber's wife's use of ancient Navajo ritual in order to conceive. And please do not ever utter the phrase, "Oh, you've just got to relax." If relaxing is all it takes, we'd have been able to field a baseball team with our own passel of children.

In a moment of crystal clarity during the IVF time, I formulated what I call The Green Bean Casserole Theory in order to cope with (unwittingly) insensitive questions or comments. (Case in point, the person who said to me that "God just thinks you're not ready to have children." My immediate thought was, "Oh, and God thinks that child abusers and molesters are ready, but not us?! Huh!") I finally realized that nothing was ever said to me with malice--some insentivity, yes, but not with any intended cruelty. So really, it's very much like when you have a family member die and everyone wants to do something but doesn't really know what to do. So they show up at your doorstep with green bean casserole. Now, they may not know that you hate green bean casserole, or that you're allergic to the little toasted onion things on top of it, or that you already have three of them in the Frigidaire. But you don't tell them any of those things; instead, you just smile, thank them, and put the Pyrex dish into the fridge. So it was with comments that stung. I would try to simply smile (while mentally chanting: green bean casserole...green bean casserole) and remember that it was only because they cared about me and were trying desperately to find something to say.

I don't want to scare anyone away from talking to people experiencing infertility. We're just people like everyone else and most of the time we just want to make some conversation without having to pull out our whole sordid medical record.

You can never go wrong with saying, "I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what this must be like for you." I promise, the next infertile person you meet will thank you.

Ode to the Ladies of Bookclub

I was at my monthly bookclub meeting Tuesday night. TLS likes to call it "bookclub," complete with the air quotes, since he refuses to believe that all we do is discuss books. I'm pretty sure he's convinced that there is some secret cauldron stirring or Le Bare's dancers or money changing hands, but wine-drinking is about as wild as it gets.

Our book for January was Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert and it was a big hit. There were times that all of us were talking at the same time, which, to my knowledge has never happened in the eight years or so that I've been a member.

The book has a very "everyone is connected to everyone else" vibe so it was natural that our conversation eventually came around to the bonds between the members of our group. While we may differ in our ages, marital status, religion, or age or existence of children, I've grown to realize that we've formed a family of sorts. Over the years, we've seen our fellow bookclubbers have babies, change jobs, get divorced, lose family members, experience the empty nest, get promoted, and all the other triumphs and tribulations of normal life. Our breadth of experience almost guarantees that someone else has been where you are today and can provide advice. And even if they can't "know" how you're feeling because of personal experience, the ladies can all empathize and at the very least provide a shoulder to cry on or a cheering section when you've conquered the world.

On a personal level, when I was going through all my infertility nonsense, I would share my disappointments and in return I always received validation that I was remembered, cared about, and supported. While most of us don't communicate on a daily or weekly basis with everyone in the group, we know that come the third Tuesday of the month, our friends and cohorts will be there to laugh or cry with us. What a beautiful gift that is and I suspect one that not everyone has the privilege to receive. So, in some small way, this is a thank you for the friendship I've been given and a pledge to continue the circle of support.

You're Gonna Wish You Were Me

Guess what groovy blogger chick will be going to the exciting, happening city of Cleveland, Ohio next week?

Yeah, that's right. Me.

I know what you're thinking, "Cleveland in January. Girl, are you crazy?!"

I know it isn't the optimal time to visit the so-called "mistake on the lake" but I had no choice in the matter. The training I need to take is there and January 24th-25th is when it is happening.

Oh, and did I tell you the best part? My flight leaves at 6:45 a.m. Thursday morning. Ooh yeah. I'll be getting up about 3:15 a.m., but in the life-is-good column, TLS is taking me to the airport and picking me up Friday night. Kudos to him! (Love, love, love that man.)

I promise to try and bring back some hilarious travel story or stories for you. In the mean time, here's the link to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

I'm Not Only LOL*, I'm ROTFL**

My BFF Pam (shout out) turned me on to another blog, The Sneeze. I went out there today and read this entry. Listen to the sound file of his four-year-old son opening a box of raisins Christmas morning. I am seriously keeping this link so I can listen to it everytime I'm having a bad day. (Raisins?!)

* LOL = laughing out loud
**ROTFL = rolling on the floor laughing

And Over On The Sidebar...

Turn your attention, folks, to the sidebar on the left. I've added a link for a notify list. If you sign up, you'll receive an email when I update the blog. Or you can just check back at your leisure. Either way.

UPDATED WITH WORKING LINK: Evidence That I Am Probably More Than A Little Demented

10

Take this quiz or one of many other time wasters. Oh, and there'll be no judging. I'm sure several of you are going to take it yourselves. (You know who you are.)

Don't click on the red square above. Use this link instead!

http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/

Belated New Year's Day (With Recipe!)

Although it was a few days late, I did manage to complete my New Year's Day rituals last Saturday. I made my black eyed peas and put up the new crop of Christmas photos on the fridge. Here's the evidence:

Spicy Black Eyed Peas:

3 Tbl. olive oil

1 cup chopped onion

1 large clove garlic, minced

1 tsp. cumin

1 tsp. dry mustard

1 tsp. chili powder

1/2 cup dried black eyed peas, cooked

2 10-oz. cans Rotel tomatoes and chilies

1 cup cooked shredded pork (optional)

1 tsp. white vinegar

salt and pepper to taste

Boil the dried black eyed peas with plenty of water for 45 minutes to 1.5 hours, or until soft, then drain. In a separate pan, saute onion, garlic and spices in olive oil until the onions are soft. Add the peas, tomatoes and shredded pork. Simmer 20 minutes. Add the vinegar, salt and pepper. Best when served with warm corn bread. These peas are very spicy. If you like more mild food, adjust the amount chili powder to 1/2 tsp in the beginning and add more with the salt, pepper and vinegar, if necessary. I use shredded smoked pork roast, but diced ham would be good as well.

And the Universe, It Laughs and Laughs

I've filled several different administrative functions at my current employer over the last eight and a half years I've worked here. A few years back they posted a position for an administrative supervisor and I applied for it. There was enormous response from the rank and file because, in general, the opportunities for those types of upward mobility are few and far between around here. That observation isn't a knock, just a statement of fact about the ways of the firm. What I heard back from recruiting at the time was that they couldn't interview everyone and that they were using prior supervisory experience as the "weeding" factor. I'm the first person to admit that despite having a couple of prior job titles that seemed to imply said experience, I didn't have any; so that was that, as they say.

Flash forward to late last week when my current administrative supervisor called me into her office. (I immediately had the thought that I was going to get chewed out for something, despite the fact that I've never been remotely chewed out at any job before. Ever.) She wanted to tell me that an administrative supervisor position had been posted and that she and the other supervisor had racked their brains to come up with names of people they felt would both be interested and capable of the job. And (drumroll please) the only person they came up with was...me. Which I found hilarious, because I haven't magically gotten any supervisory experience in my spare time, at night, before I go to bed.

So, now that I've put myself on the road to a career in Library Science (and don't get me wrong, I'm 100% convinced it is the true and right one for me), I get offered a job I tried hard to get years ago and couldn't even win an interview for. Oh, Universe, what a jokester you are!

P.S. I thanked them for thinking of me, but respectfully declined.

I Couldn't Have Said It Better

At the risk of turning this into a "failed fertility" blog, I'm posting a link to a NY Times article from last weekend's edition. I was alerted to it by one of my daily must-read bloggers, Julie at alittlepregnant.com. Julie (on the internet, we're all on a first name basis) gave the link with the following dare:

Dare you to read it without either crying, nodding your head in recognition, or spending a fevered half-hour on Google trying to find contact information for the writer so that you can a) beg her to be your new best friend, b) stalk her but in a nice way, or c) thank her for her courage and perceptiveness.

The Blank Space in our Family Album - The New York Times 1/6/2008

I think Ms. Hockmuth made most of the points that I made in my previous post far more eloquently, and most definitely more succinctly. But then again, she's a paid writer and I am but a mere dabbler. So there.

An Infertility Funny

I promised back in this post, to share some of my funny infertility stories. (Although I do wonder if using the words funny and infertility together is some sort of oxymoron.) Here's one of my most famous.

In reality, all fertility drugs are hormones and we all know that hormones have a huge impact on our moods and behaviors. (Think about the way testosterone and estrogen affect men and women, if you need some examples.) Since each medication had its own effect on me, TLS used to say that I had alter-egos and named said alter-egos after the appropriate medication: Clomidia, Follistimia and Lupronia, etc. Clomidia had a tendency to be a teeeeny bit forgetful, as you'll soon see.

Actual Conversation:

TLS: (from the master bathroom to me in the living room, minding my own business) Hey, Inertia Girl, did you forget something?

Me: (thinking) Uh, no.

TLS: Are you sure?

Me: (indignant) Yes!

TLS: Come in here for a sec.

Me: (walking in the room) What?!

TLS points to the sink, where I can plainly see the dogs' water bowl sits completely filled and abandoned.

Me: Oh.


I had picked up the empty water dish, carried it to the sink, filled it, turned off the tap, and then just walked away. It's really a wonder I didn't burn down the house.

How Not to Spend New Year's Day

I guess I'd have to say in the continuum of fear of possible embarrassment that I must be somewhere on the far left of the curve. I am apparently unafraid of airing all my dirty laundry on the world wide web since I'm about to post on how I spent the first day of 2008. I would like to tell anyone that is related to me to stop reading now. (I think that should take care of about 75% of my readers.)

I have a couple of New Year's Day rituals that I like to observe. They really wouldn't mean much to anyone but me, but I like them. They give me the feeling of normalcy that I crave. I may not know anything else that is going to happen in the next year, but I do know what I'll be doing on January 1st.

These include preparing black eyed peas from our garden's summer bounty. I know that eating black eyed peas on New Year's Day is a Southern thing and having grown up with two parents raised in the Midwest/West, it wasn't something that we did. In fact, I'm not sure I ever ate any black eyed peas at all when I was growing up, but sometime after I met TLS, I got into the tradition. Now that I have grown and shelled the peas, it's that much cooler. I also found a great recipe that uses lots of spicy goodness to make them a little more palatable. Black eyed peas in their original state are a tad bland, but put some tobasco and rotel tomatoes in them and zowie! are they good.

The second tradition involves the refrigerator and all those Christmas card pictures I've received during the month of December. (Remember how I said the only Christmas thing I really get into is my Christmas cards? Well, one of the great things about sending them out is that people send theirs to me. Reciprocity. Ain't it great?!) I love getting anything in the mailbox that isn't a bill, catalog, or junk mail, but I especially love it when people put a picture of their kids, their pets or themselves in there. The entire top half of the front of my fridge is covered with Christmas card pictures and every January 1st, I take down the old crop and put up the new one. So, if you send me a picture, I will spend the next year looking at it every single day. I've watched friends' children grow from babies to kids to young adults. Very cool.

I announced to TLS the other day, "I have an idea." This phrase is usually the start of some costly, involved project, but God love him, he's never yet looked at me and said to stick it where the sun don't shine. I do love that man! My current idea had to do with redecorating our master bedroom. I had ordered a new quilt and that meant I'd need to repaint, which meant that we'd need to take down the wallpaper border around the ceiling of our room. And since we were taking that wallpaper down, how about taking down the wallpaper in the kitchen, which was starting to look fairly shabby? TLS agreed to help with the "demolition" projects for New Year's Eve as long as we had some adult beverages to keep us company. Sure thing!

I turned on my iPod to some rockin' playlists and we started stripping wallpaper about 6 p.m. Monday night. We started drinking Bloody Marys about 7 p.m. By 9:30, we were calling all our friends and leaving rambling, incoherent messages or giggling our way through conversations. By 10:30, we had removed all wallpaper from Chez Inertia and had vowed never to replace any of it. By 11:30, we were in bed "asleep" (although comatose would be a more likely description since we never heard the phone ring at 12:20 a.m.). I woke up about 6 a.m. yesterday and stumbled into the bathroom wishing I were dead. The comedian Ron White has a routine where he describes a hangover so bad that it had a name. Mine's was Beealzebub. I got up exactly twice yesterday. I did eat some breakfast, went to lie on the couch, then took a shower and went back to bed. TLS would come in every few hours and ask if I needed anything. (My response was usually something along the lines of "putting me out of my misery" but luckily, he knew I wasn't really serious.)

So, long story short, I accomplished neither one of my New Year's Day rituals because I was an idiot. Resolution for 2008? Keeping away from the vodka.

Oh Mighty Fortune Cookie, Give Us Your Wisdom

I went with some co-workers to eat Chinese at lunch today and here was my fortune cookie message:

Do not give up; the beginning is always the hardest.

How's that for validation of my new "doing things" mantra?!

A happy and safe New Year celebration to everyone!

'Twas The Blog After Christmas

...with sincerest apologies to Clement Clark Moore

The Blog After Christmas
'Twas a few days after Christmas, and all through the blog,
Not a post to be had, not even 'bout the dog.

All the readers were totally bummed,
Wishing that I would write something that hummed;

Gifts given, received and family fed,
I struggle to come up with something to be read;
Now TLS in his work duds and I in my jeans,
Have just settled down to keep working for our means;
When out on the Internet there arose such a clamor,
I sprang to google at Google to see what was the matter.
Pakistan's burning, war in Iraq;
The news just makes my forehead call out for a smack.
Won't write about death or destruction or pain,
But does anyone want to read about our holiday menu again?
What I am wishing would come through the door?
Blog topics, clever words, and funny items galore.

Oh, blogging muse, come visit again;
Don't tell me I've started this dang-fool thing in vain.
What will I write about? What will I share?
Something will come to me; I mustn't despair.

Suddenly a vision: a blinding white light;
Telling old stories and anecdotes to delight
Will keep you all laughing far into '08,
And then my alter-ego I can further create.

So from me and TLS, this poem shines bright;
Happy New Year to all and to all a good night!

How Cleaning Out the Refrigerator Can Bring On a Long, Involved Personal Blog Entry

Disclosure made in the interest of honesty: I started this entry many, many days ago. It has taken me several sessions to write it and even during the process of composing it, I kept thinking that maybe I didn't want to post it, worrying that it would be embarrassing to me and TLS (because even though he has a pseudonym in these virtual pages, 99% of the people who read them know his name - sorry hon!). But I finally decided to just put it out there. 1) Because I have always been honest about these things because ultimately that's just how I am, and 2) because there have already been things that I would have said in earlier blog entries but didn't because they wouldn't have had any context. So, if you're reading this entry, it means that I did hold my breath and hit the Publish Post button.
_____________________________________________________

I was forced to do a major fridge clean out before Thanksgiving so I could fit the huge container with the brining turkey in there. In addition to tossing the hunks of moldy cheese, half-filled condiment containers and mystery science experiments, I finally threw away something that has been lurking in the crisper drawer for the last two years.

Here's where my blog entry comes to resemble how I tell stories in person, by stopping the narrative to tell another story to finish telling the one I just started. It's all very confusing, but bear with me. There is some deep background that you need to know and while many of you know the whole story (probably much more than you ever wanted to know), not everyone is on the same page. I promise that it will all come together in the end.

As previously mentioned in my inaugural post, TLS and I are generally not in a hurry to make any major life changes--even if they are positive. TLS likes to call us The Universal Constant and I think that is an extremely funny, clever and insightful way to say that we are change resistant and not a little reactionary. (I think I briefly considered blogging as Reactionary Girl, but decided that it made me sound like I should be wearing a beret and riding with Che. But anyhoo... ) So after waiting almost three years after we met to get married, you could probably guess that we wouldn't rush into the whole parenthood thing and you'd be absolutely right.

We waited a few (translation: about 5) years and then decided to take the plunge and start trying to have a baby. Well, maybe not trying to get pregnant but to just stop preventing getting pregnant. (There is a difference in those two states of being, even if it is subtle, and that difference allowed us to take the plunge.) So there we were throwing caution to the wind and....nothing. No double pink lines on those ridiculously expensive home pregnancy tests and not even a late period. "No worries," the books and doctors and other people told us, "it can take up to a year to get pregnant." "Relax." "Take a vacation." "Buy some new clothes." And really, it wasn't like we were TRYING, we just weren't preventing so that bought us a fresh round of hope. And if I may make an observation here, my friends, there is nothing like hope to reach out with a Bruce Lee karate move to kick you in the teeth every so often.

Somewhere around this time, I got serious about getting pregnant. In addition to many of my other good qualities, I am (um, how should I put this?) a little intense and organized about things. I also like to know everything about everything (hence the Masters in Library Science aspirations). I was like a fertility researcher. I had calendars and charts and was comparing information from multiple websites. I was ON A MISSION and on top of that I was hiding all this intensity from TLS so I didn't scare him off. 'Cause you know how desirable men find women who are baby crazy. (I can guarantee that he's reading this right now going...what?!) Let's just say that I was the fertility ninja on a mission. How's that for a mental image?

And still...nothing, nada, zilch. Bupkis as all the yiddishers like to say. I was starting to get alarmed because in addition to being intense and organized, I am also paranoid. (Boy, don't you wish you were TLS? Doesn't he sound like the luckiest sucker in the world?) Oh, and around that time TLS took a consulting job with a large computer company whose logo is blue and this caused him to be out of town four days a week. It seemed as if the whole world was conspiring against us but when I went to the doctor, he didn't seem too worried. "Your husband isn't in town full-time and at 32 you're still young" (Really, doc? Not feelin' it so much). He all but said the words, "Patience, young grasshopper." So, more karate-chopping hope being flung in our direction obscured my panic at least for a while.

Flash forward another year or so. TLS has gone from working for big blue, to being laid off, to taking a job in a neighboring state. We were planning to move as soon as our house sold, but luckily TLS's "Spidey Sense" about his new employer started to tingle within a few weeks of his start date. (And with good cause, as it turned out, since about six months later the company went belly-up and he was out of a job again.) We took the house off the market, hunkered down to maintain two households separated by several hundred miles, and he started coming home on weekends. Again, not the greatest gameplan for conception, so our continued failure still didn't seem too alarming.

TLS found another job in town and throughout our house, there was much rejoicing. Now I could guarantee that he would be home for those few fertile days each month and we'd finally be able to hit the jackpot, so to speak. And again, nothing. Month after month of nothing. Long, interminable stretches of nothing. Well, you get the picture.

My doctor finally agreed that maybe it was time to start giving us a little extra help with conception and we took our first dip of many in the Infertility Pool. After TLS's "men" were tested and judged to be suitable, and I had undergone several painful and invasive tests, we were given the greenlight to try insemination. The gateway fertility drug of choice is Clomid and I swear to you it is the marijuana of fertility drugs. Those five little white pills look so innocent and innocuous but often they are just the beginning of the slide to the hardcore--Lupron and Follistim and Repronex and the like. Those Clomid were only the cost of a co-pay and went down easy. Sure, they caused some hot flashes, but there were the resulting follicles up on the ultrasound machine's screen--shining down on us like hope writ in scratchy gray and white. On the appointed day, TLS would make a trip to Collection Room #1 and forty-five minutes later we would pick up our sample encased in a Styrofoam cup that always reminded me of the containers of nightcrawlers you find in the refrigerated sections of rural gas stations. We would carry the cup upstairs to the doctor's office, I would lie on the table with TLS's hand clasped in mine, and the doctor would complete the procedure. Off we would go to commence our lives and wait. And again, nothing. Four times worth of nothing. And because hope had been hurling a bare foot or open hand into our guts, each time the disappointment would be magnified, but the desire was still there.

I wish that I had been blogging back in those days. It would have provided endless fodder for posts and I would have been able to relate many of the events and emotions that are lost to me today in the mists of time and forgetfulness.

My doctor informed us after that fourth strike, that statistically, we should have already gotten pregnant if insemination was going to work for us and that it might be time to consider consulting a reproductive endocrinologist. I chose a doctor who had been successful with a friend of Youngest's and we met to discuss our options. These consisted of attempting more inseminations using injectable fertility drugs or doing in vitro fertilization. Either way, it seemed that we were going to have to become proficient in the art of shots--the giving in the case of TLS and the receiving for me. Mostly because insemination hadn't been getting the job done, we decided to step it up a notch and begin in vitro.

I hope to regale you in the future with some of the stories from those days, because really, we did manage to find humor in the most odd places. Not the least of which was that the nurse assigned to us for our time utilizing the Assisted Reproduction department was completely without humor. A nice enough and competent enough person, I'll grant you, but nary a laugh to be had from Caroline. And here she was matched with two people that have yet to find a subject for which we cannot find a joke. It was quite the mis-match.

Suffice it to say that after two rounds of in vitro (totaling hundreds of injections and five figures of payments), it all came to naught. We had invested time, money and emotions to be left without a positive outcome. And it was painful. Most painful of all was to sit across from my dear, wise doctor and have to hear that based on my body's response to the medications and the (lackluster) condition of the few embryos that we did create, his medical opinion was that for whatever reason, I was running out of eggs and the ones that I did have weren't good. Whew. That'll take the wind right out of your sails. We talked about how our options from here were to adopt, utilize egg donation, or be childless. And at that moment I realized that hope had brutalized me one too many times. I was through with experiencing the kind of disappointment over which I had some control. Ultimately, in this situation, inertia was the least painful option. And it has been the one that we have pursued, if pursued is the right word to use in this instance.

I tell you all of this not to make you feel sorry for me, because despite the infertility and the disappointment, I am a very lucky person. I have a wonderful and loving spouse who is possibly the best thing to ever happen to me. I have a happy marriage. I am gainfully employed and have a cozy house in which to live and a snazzy car in which to drive to and from it each day. I have money to buy the things I need and those I just want. I really can't complain too much about anything. I lead a full and happy life. But I will always have what amounts to an emotional scar. A psychic hole that has been filled with whatever happened to be at hand. Most of the time, it's virtually invisible, but every so often it will "itch" and make its presence known and then I have to deal with it. Mostly, this means I have to remind myself of all the things I've already listed in this paragraph, but I don't kid myself that it will ever totally go away.

So you're saying to yourself, this is all well and good but what does it have to do with your refrigerator? Well, after all that toil and disappointment, I had one vial of medication left after our second in vitro attempt. Those medications have to be kept cold, which means that they are kept in the fridge. I didn't move that box (little bigger than a deck of cards) at first because I couldn't bear to look at it and then because I thought that I might have a friend that could use it.
Every so often, when it seemed that hope wanted to give me yet another jab, I would take the box out and check the expiration date, but I could never bring myself to throw it away. But the Thanksgiving clean out frenzy caused me to do more than give it a glance and put it back in. I set it out on the counter and really pondered the reasons I was keeping it. And decided that it had come to represent the chance (however infintesimal) that I had to keep trying. And then I realized that I didn't need or want that anymore. I was ready to give up the illusion and send it away. Into the contractor grade Hefty bag it went and I have slept better since then.

Taking a deep breath and pushing the button...

To Add Insult To Injury

So what's the lead story in the news today? Sixteen year old Jamie Lynn Spears, sister of that bastion of morals Britney Spears, is pregnant. Heaven help us all. Of course, TLS had a witty quote in response to the news: "I guess those Spears girls are singlehandedly taking it upon themselves to guarantee the continuation of the species." Heh!

I'm Still Seething...

This article was the lead story on the news this morning in my area. Go out and read it; I'll wait. (Just to warn you, when you return, I'm going to climb up on my soapbox and start ranting. I totally understand if that's not your cup of tea, so I'm giving you permission to bow out gracefully.)

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Where do I start on the things that angered me about this incident?
Let's see, could it be the 17 year old mother of a three year old and a 22-month old?
How about having those two children riding around in a vehicle after midnight instead of home asleep?
In a van driven by your drunken cousin?
NOT STRAPPED IN?!?!
A tragic accident? Yes, but totally avoidable.

Don't think me a hard-hearted b***h. I will channel some holiday forgiveness and goodwill toward the mother who just lost her oldest child, but not before I marinate a little longer in my righteous indignation.